February 4, 2017.
It’s been over a week and since then, I’ve done nothing. Seen nothing. Experienced zilch. I have felt nothing except increasing bleakness and despair. That’s right, the trend continues. I lay in bed most days, consuming hours upon hours, watching various television programs, some of which are comedic (like the distinctive personality of Dr. Gregory House,) while others are fictitious melodramas. There’s also non-fictionalized programs about the incredibly innovative technologies and techniques behind some of the world’s most iconic and talented musicians and the albums they’ve created. And the latest forensics, circa 1996-2005, in crime solving, featuring one specific theme per episode in the Discovery Channel’s own, The New Detectives. I highly recommend it, especially now that eight of its nine seasons are available on Netflix.
So yeah, that about describes my days, apart from being a father to my pride and joy, Carter Jaxon, who turned four in November. The daily adventures of having a toddler under foot is a whole other tale… *cheeky grin* Anyway, the other day we got together with a good friend of ours and her grandson, Aiden (he and Carter are best pals,) for an afternoon of bumper bowling. A great time was had by all. It was Carter’s first experience, which made it especially exciting for him as well as for us, the proud parents. Despite already having plans, I wouldn’t have have missed it for anything. And when asked if he had fun, Aiden said, with a grin and enthusiasm in his voice: “Heck, yeah, I had fun!”
I’m afraid that’s the extent of my good news. Things have been so bad, in fact, that I’ve been neglecting my Bible studies, which is something that I used to feel passionate and dedicated about.
“And may you have the power to understand, as God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep His love is.”
As I reflect on these words, I can’t help but think about Jesus and His sacrifice for the world, so that we may have eternal life. Surely going to church every week and worship isn’t too much to ask. Surely I can look past my insecurities and fight past complacency; to write regardless of my personal feelings and circumstances, and boldly pursue His plans for me and our family. I want to know what exactly those plans are, but I am afraid on multiple levels (which is another whole other tale.) And, in case it isn’t obvious, I’ve been lazy.
I am broken and I do not know how to realign the pieces. I’m not just lost or falling and grasping at “straws.” It’s very much like I’ve already fallen, and I’m alone at the bottom of a chasm and I do not know how to claw my way out. But maybe that’s the point. Maybe I need to reach this moment in time-my breaking point– to find myself again.I need help.
Update: I went to my eye appointment this past Wednesday, the eighth, and I really liked him. He is very nice and thorough, and seems down to earth. Going into it, I was anxious, mostly because I thought my vision had greatly worsened, on account of it had been a being a good five or six years since my last visit. It turns out that my right eye is weaker than the left (it probably has been all my life,) and that my vision hasn’t changed much at all. He said the new prescription will be “phenomenal,” and I’m curious if insufficient eye glasses was the culprit, after all. Knowing there was little degeneration doesn’t seem to support that thought. The new pair should arrive in six-eight weeks.