I don’t know what to do, except to wait. I don’t know what else to say because it feels almost like I’ve exhausted my words, talking to my wife and good friend, and sharing some of it on social media. Well, here I go again. I can’t NOT talk about it, mostly because doing so is cathartic. I can no longer lay back (or sit back, as it were,) and do nothing. It’s been over a week now, and I’ve done little else save watch television, and I’m on the verge of yanking my hair out by its roots. However, all of this has afforded my family and I a lot of quality time together. I’ll treasure those moments together forever.
I will not know for a while yet (hopefully later today, at my doctor’s appointment, though sadly, I’m not too optimistic,) but I can only go on what I know, and what I’ve experienced seems to be photophobia. My eyes feel heavy all the time, despite getting the proper amount of sleep. They feel physically fatigued, as if I’ve literally spent the day (or days) reading. In actuality, I’ve read very little because bright, glaring screens hurt my eyes, and bring on physical tiredness, and prior to this, I’ve struggled enough to concentrate while reading. Physical and mental fatigue hinders productivity.
I mentioned watching television earlier, and even that does a number on my eyes. I feel like I’m constantly tired. I’ll wake up fairly refreshed (I say “fairly” because the evil’s of Fibromyalgia render high quality sleep virtually impossible,) and after maybe ten minutes spent responding to a Facebook IM or text message, I feel the strain on the corneas.
I know that this isn’t “normal,” and I need help. I feel desperate. I’m going crazy just sitting around, being unproductive. I need to read and write again because both are integral to who I am personally. (The fact that I’m able to compose this blog is purely an act of will.) Without them, I feel unwhole, like parts of me have been gouged out and I need a masterful surgeon to rectify the problem, asap; to be put back together. Morbidly, Frankenstein’s monster comes to mind..
I also mentioned my struggle to concentrate while reading, which is a battle long, LONG overdue. It’s been over three years and I do not know the cause nor the solution. It comes and goes, seems to get better, and then worse again. It’s a vicious cycle, not unlike depression. I’ve talked to numerous individuals (doctor’s included,) with no reprieve. I fully realize that one’s environment can impact one’s chances of success, and being the father of a five year old isn’t something that I’ve let slip my mind. I know that’s a factor. That’s why I rarely try to read with him around. Sometimes I can focus with the TV on low, with him at my side, but those are anomalies, apparently. My point being: I can be all alone, embracing and fully appreciative of the relative quiet, and I still struggle more often than not. My mind wanders, a phenomenon not exclusive to reading, as it’s present while watching TV and film, as well. Seems like I’m always missing something because of this. I suspect that said focus issues and my eyes are connected. What are your thoughts?
I do not say these things to be pitied (please do not pity me,) but to help raise awareness. I rarely-if ever– hear people talk about light sensitivity, and I suspect it’s more common than you’d think. Please, if you’re experiencing any of the above symptoms, or those described in the links provided, please see your doctor as soon as possible. And if you’ve experienced this, I’d love to hear from you in the comments section.
Thank you for your time. I will keep you posted.
If you’re a person of faith, prayer would be greatly appreciated.